It's been quite a while since I have posted anything. I know you've been waiting, fingernails curled and gripping the edge of your seat for me to post something highly inappropriate and gross. Today, you are vindicated. You shall not leave unsatisfied.
As most of you know...after about 10 years I have finally rejoined the workplace. I am working at the Chambers Library at UCO. It was truly bizarre to be working again, since the last job I held was before I had kids. Yes. That matters. You see, my body has changed a lot in those years--especially in the areas of going to the bathroom. I didn't realize that a whole, new adventure awaited me. You see, since everything is loose down in Dixie from having kids, I don't have quite the control that I used to. Simple things such needing to pee have now become dire. You don't have any waiting time. Your body says, "You need to pee. Now. NOW SUCKER!!!" So just short of doing the little kid crotch-grabbing hobble, you have to drop what you're doing and dart for the nearest bano.
Well, as annoying as that is, I've kind of come to terms with it. I can drop what I'm doing and go with no problem. What I cannot seem to reconcile is my inability to control my farts. I guess I hadn't really noticed the problem before, because when you're at home, you just fart and go your merry way. Alas, at my work, it's not an option. My desk is in the middle of the room.
"Hello, welcome to Fart Central. How may I grossly assault your senses?"
So I sit and squirm, praying desperately that I don't let a One Cheek Sneak and cause someone to black-out. The paperwork would be quite prolific.
My stomach cramps and I quietly will the clock to go faster so I can go home.
A couple of weeks ago, everything came to a breaking point. My body was in complete rebellion for not being able to fart at will. I had tried changing up what I ate, etc. but to no avail. Every day I would be in agony. This day was particularly bad. I have no idea why. I was in pain for most of the day, but FINALLY it was close to time to go. As part of my job, I have to print out requests from other libraries and deliver the requests to the various floor and departments. Chambers has 4 floors and a basement (that no one ever seems to go into. Probably has a meth lab down there). I make the trip up to the 4th floor, my stomach quivering ominously, but holding fast. I walk gingerly and hand out various documents and then proceed to 3rd floor. So far, so good. I manage to eek one out in a boring section that no one ever goes to.
I quietly pray for the soul of whoever goes there and move with gazelle-like speed away from ground zero. The elevator is in view. Yes! I manage to secure one all by myself and hit the button. My farts are building up again. I cramp and squeeze my butt with a vice-like clench. Suddenly, the elevator lurches to a stop on 2nd. NO. Oh no oh no...the sudden movement has made my stomach dip and the pressure is building. This is not good. Some chick gets on the elevator, oblivious to the danger brewing next to her. As the elevator lunges downward and then heaves to a stop on first, I am relieved to see her exit first. But then...no. NO. A guy starts to come to the elevator. He's waiting for me to move. It's too late. My farts are at home plate. Everything in my body is frozen, the red lights flashing and sirens blaring for the bio-hazard that is about to be released upon the public. My anus has had enough.
Let it go, it did. I managed to step out of the elevator, but my step over-loaded the lock-down that my butt had issued. A veritable cascade of farts started streaming from my butt--quite audibly, mind you. The elevator was still there! I grip the recycling bin, my palms sweating and I have no idea what to do. That guy can hear me, so I quietly say to no one in particular: "I don't feel good." Why?! Why did I do that? I should have just marching my burping butt to the (relative) safety of my desk, where I could destroy the fabric and soul of my chair in peace.
Thankfully, the doors finally closed, dropping the curtain on this mortifying moment. I manage to penguin walk to my department, only too aware of the hideous smell trailing behind me.
And I did.
As most of you know...after about 10 years I have finally rejoined the workplace. I am working at the Chambers Library at UCO. It was truly bizarre to be working again, since the last job I held was before I had kids. Yes. That matters. You see, my body has changed a lot in those years--especially in the areas of going to the bathroom. I didn't realize that a whole, new adventure awaited me. You see, since everything is loose down in Dixie from having kids, I don't have quite the control that I used to. Simple things such needing to pee have now become dire. You don't have any waiting time. Your body says, "You need to pee. Now. NOW SUCKER!!!" So just short of doing the little kid crotch-grabbing hobble, you have to drop what you're doing and dart for the nearest bano.
Well, as annoying as that is, I've kind of come to terms with it. I can drop what I'm doing and go with no problem. What I cannot seem to reconcile is my inability to control my farts. I guess I hadn't really noticed the problem before, because when you're at home, you just fart and go your merry way. Alas, at my work, it's not an option. My desk is in the middle of the room.
"Hello, welcome to Fart Central. How may I grossly assault your senses?"
So I sit and squirm, praying desperately that I don't let a One Cheek Sneak and cause someone to black-out. The paperwork would be quite prolific.
My stomach cramps and I quietly will the clock to go faster so I can go home.
A couple of weeks ago, everything came to a breaking point. My body was in complete rebellion for not being able to fart at will. I had tried changing up what I ate, etc. but to no avail. Every day I would be in agony. This day was particularly bad. I have no idea why. I was in pain for most of the day, but FINALLY it was close to time to go. As part of my job, I have to print out requests from other libraries and deliver the requests to the various floor and departments. Chambers has 4 floors and a basement (that no one ever seems to go into. Probably has a meth lab down there). I make the trip up to the 4th floor, my stomach quivering ominously, but holding fast. I walk gingerly and hand out various documents and then proceed to 3rd floor. So far, so good. I manage to eek one out in a boring section that no one ever goes to.
I quietly pray for the soul of whoever goes there and move with gazelle-like speed away from ground zero. The elevator is in view. Yes! I manage to secure one all by myself and hit the button. My farts are building up again. I cramp and squeeze my butt with a vice-like clench. Suddenly, the elevator lurches to a stop on 2nd. NO. Oh no oh no...the sudden movement has made my stomach dip and the pressure is building. This is not good. Some chick gets on the elevator, oblivious to the danger brewing next to her. As the elevator lunges downward and then heaves to a stop on first, I am relieved to see her exit first. But then...no. NO. A guy starts to come to the elevator. He's waiting for me to move. It's too late. My farts are at home plate. Everything in my body is frozen, the red lights flashing and sirens blaring for the bio-hazard that is about to be released upon the public. My anus has had enough.
Let it go, it did. I managed to step out of the elevator, but my step over-loaded the lock-down that my butt had issued. A veritable cascade of farts started streaming from my butt--quite audibly, mind you. The elevator was still there! I grip the recycling bin, my palms sweating and I have no idea what to do. That guy can hear me, so I quietly say to no one in particular: "I don't feel good." Why?! Why did I do that? I should have just marching my burping butt to the (relative) safety of my desk, where I could destroy the fabric and soul of my chair in peace.
Thankfully, the doors finally closed, dropping the curtain on this mortifying moment. I manage to penguin walk to my department, only too aware of the hideous smell trailing behind me.
And I did.
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