I'm quite the flawed person. I kind of trip and stumble through life, like Grimace the McDonald's blob after he's had a few. It's just who I am. My brain filter has a leak, and I often say things that probably are best left unsaid, because when everyone got the rulebook for social games, I believe I was off taking a nap somewhere.
But here's what I am: I'm honest, I want people to be happy, I care, I'm curious (probably to a fault), and I do the best I can. I try to help people and make them laugh, like some awkward mime at a gun range. So needless to say, when my marriage imploded, I felt like a huge failure. To hear your spouse admit that he "guess he must have loved me at some point," (he never really loved me, I was simply a commodity to be gained) certainly sliced deeply. Being in an abusive marriage nearly killed me. I had dropped down to 90 lbs. before getting under the care of a doctor and a therapist. However, I have two awesome kids that did not ask for this painful, craziness that is divorce. I became determined to make sure that their waters were still ones--and I made that very clear to my spouse and his parents. No fighting, no smack-talk, nothing negative to harm my babies. And really, so far so good. My ex, while not always treating me well (although he's gotten worlds better) has been good at making sure that all visitations are good ones. His relationship with the kids (which was barely existent before), has really grown and gotten much better. All the visits with his parents have gone well, and I was starting to relax a bit--thinking maybe I had pulled off what few are able to do--to have harmony with abusive ex and his insane parents.
Why do I do that? I should know that thinking like that is a classic way to jinx something. I noticed that the past two visits have been just a tad strained. I just seemed to detect that something was off, but couldn't quite put my finger on it. But yesterday, my ex deposited this month's check on my porch (he likes to wait until it's past the first so I have to have family pay for my mortgage), and along with it were two cards addressed to my kids. They were from my in-laws, and they had been mailed to my ex. Why on earth did they mail them to him? My kids don't live there. They've mailed stuff to my kids post "the split" before, so why not now?
Isn't it funny how something so small can hurt so deeply? I asked myself why it bothered me. I guess it bugs me because it made me feel like I failed. They can't stand me so much that they won't even mail things to my kids to my house--where my kids LIVE. Divorce has already blown my self-esteem to kingdom come and made me feel like a loser, so to fail to keep things pleasant makes me feel like I failed at my failure! I know that makes no sense. Bear with me. It brought back the Sneaky Masochistic Spiral that I'd twirl down, wondering where I went wrong, what did I do, etc. But I'm not going down the drain like before. I am sad that they are going back to being snide and hateful. But that is their choice. My choice to stand strong and be kind. Even if I don't want to be, or would rather slap them around for a while. I am not who I was when I finally, fearfully, kicked my ex out for good. I did what I did because I had to--for my sake, and for the kids' well-being. I don't need hateful gestures to try and wound me, because I know that I did the right thing.
As Valentine's Day looms a head, I do not miss my spouse one bit. I miss the idea of a guy loving and caring about me, yes--I'm not going to lie! However, I'm going to use this day to think of love for everybody--how Christ loved us despite how we act.
But here's what I am: I'm honest, I want people to be happy, I care, I'm curious (probably to a fault), and I do the best I can. I try to help people and make them laugh, like some awkward mime at a gun range. So needless to say, when my marriage imploded, I felt like a huge failure. To hear your spouse admit that he "guess he must have loved me at some point," (he never really loved me, I was simply a commodity to be gained) certainly sliced deeply. Being in an abusive marriage nearly killed me. I had dropped down to 90 lbs. before getting under the care of a doctor and a therapist. However, I have two awesome kids that did not ask for this painful, craziness that is divorce. I became determined to make sure that their waters were still ones--and I made that very clear to my spouse and his parents. No fighting, no smack-talk, nothing negative to harm my babies. And really, so far so good. My ex, while not always treating me well (although he's gotten worlds better) has been good at making sure that all visitations are good ones. His relationship with the kids (which was barely existent before), has really grown and gotten much better. All the visits with his parents have gone well, and I was starting to relax a bit--thinking maybe I had pulled off what few are able to do--to have harmony with abusive ex and his insane parents.
Why do I do that? I should know that thinking like that is a classic way to jinx something. I noticed that the past two visits have been just a tad strained. I just seemed to detect that something was off, but couldn't quite put my finger on it. But yesterday, my ex deposited this month's check on my porch (he likes to wait until it's past the first so I have to have family pay for my mortgage), and along with it were two cards addressed to my kids. They were from my in-laws, and they had been mailed to my ex. Why on earth did they mail them to him? My kids don't live there. They've mailed stuff to my kids post "the split" before, so why not now?
Isn't it funny how something so small can hurt so deeply? I asked myself why it bothered me. I guess it bugs me because it made me feel like I failed. They can't stand me so much that they won't even mail things to my kids to my house--where my kids LIVE. Divorce has already blown my self-esteem to kingdom come and made me feel like a loser, so to fail to keep things pleasant makes me feel like I failed at my failure! I know that makes no sense. Bear with me. It brought back the Sneaky Masochistic Spiral that I'd twirl down, wondering where I went wrong, what did I do, etc. But I'm not going down the drain like before. I am sad that they are going back to being snide and hateful. But that is their choice. My choice to stand strong and be kind. Even if I don't want to be, or would rather slap them around for a while. I am not who I was when I finally, fearfully, kicked my ex out for good. I did what I did because I had to--for my sake, and for the kids' well-being. I don't need hateful gestures to try and wound me, because I know that I did the right thing.
As Valentine's Day looms a head, I do not miss my spouse one bit. I miss the idea of a guy loving and caring about me, yes--I'm not going to lie! However, I'm going to use this day to think of love for everybody--how Christ loved us despite how we act.
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