Let me ask you a question. How well do you know me? I mean, really? Or, more aptly put, how well do we really know anybody? The reason I am asking this question is because I was attacked after sharing my opinion on what I initially thought was something a friend had posted, but it turned out was something she had liked or commented on herself. I honestly didn't think my opinion was that big of a deal--but these two women were out for blood. I was personally attacked, rather than them calmly asking me to clarify or simply state what their stance was.
Now many who know me would probably rub their hands together and eagerly await for me to cut these ladies off at the knees. I could have. Quite easily. But that is a part of me that I'm trying to get better at. So I decided to simply let it go (sorry, I know you're now singing in your head). One of the things that struck me, however, was the assumptions that both these ladies (using the term loosely) made. That they knew me. That they knew what I had been through. That somehow, their pain, their feelings, their experiences, were somehow superior and merited more....(prowess, sympathy, who knows?).....than mine. My feelings were, to put it nicely, shredded and discarded into a pile of bloody pulp. What they did not realize was, I could write out a fairly lengthy list of horrific things that have happened to me. Things I have not told anybody. Things that have kept me going to therapy for years. From about preteen years and on, I have my "boo-hoo" (her words, not mine) list. I do wonder if these women would care to hear--care to know. My guess is, no. Why? Because emotions are powerful and unreasonable things. When you are in the height of your crap, that's all you can focus on. Grief is very selfish. That's why many couples divorce after the death of a child, or when a child has a disability. It can be all-consuming. Powerful. It doesn't matter what your loss is, it is so painful and awful that you can let it ruin you. Sour you.
That's why I didn't respond. I let it go. I know my pain and agony has been so great that all I wanted to do was end it. End me. I almost did. Twice. So here is what I am going to say.
This is not going to be a self-righteous pat on the back. Because I still struggle with things. I am learning how to cope, to manage with things. But I have learned that yes, it is painful and annoying to listen to people gripe about menial things. Those people are probably not encumbered with something great at that moment. But here's the thing. YOU DON'T KNOW THAT. Maybe they're complaining about the cost of grapes because money is tight because their spouse lost their job. Maybe that guy is complaining about losing his hair because he's getting chemotherapy. The truth is, everybody has a story. We all have loss, we all have pain. True, some people are blessed with very little loss or severely horrific things happening to them. However, that does not give people who are hurting free license to lash out and attack these people. This is something I learned. I learned that being bitter towards these people, rolling my eyes at them, and quietly mentally lacerating them does absolutely nothing to help me in my grief process. All is does is alienate people who might otherwise offer help or at least a sympathetic ear. Note I said sympathetic, not empathetic. One is better than nothing.
So to the ladies who attacked me, I say I am sorry for the feelings that are overpowering you. I pray that one day you will be able to rise above them, and help other people who are going through their dark times. But do not let it consume you and lead you into attacking others and making extremely false presumptions. Yes, I could have told you some things that would have left you not only feeling embarrassed for what you said to me, but you would have looked like an ass to the Face Book community. Just remember that you don't know people and what they've been through--only what people choose to share. I encourage everybody to be a little kinder to everyone. This is a tough world, and the only way we'll get through it is together.
Now many who know me would probably rub their hands together and eagerly await for me to cut these ladies off at the knees. I could have. Quite easily. But that is a part of me that I'm trying to get better at. So I decided to simply let it go (sorry, I know you're now singing in your head). One of the things that struck me, however, was the assumptions that both these ladies (using the term loosely) made. That they knew me. That they knew what I had been through. That somehow, their pain, their feelings, their experiences, were somehow superior and merited more....(prowess, sympathy, who knows?).....than mine. My feelings were, to put it nicely, shredded and discarded into a pile of bloody pulp. What they did not realize was, I could write out a fairly lengthy list of horrific things that have happened to me. Things I have not told anybody. Things that have kept me going to therapy for years. From about preteen years and on, I have my "boo-hoo" (her words, not mine) list. I do wonder if these women would care to hear--care to know. My guess is, no. Why? Because emotions are powerful and unreasonable things. When you are in the height of your crap, that's all you can focus on. Grief is very selfish. That's why many couples divorce after the death of a child, or when a child has a disability. It can be all-consuming. Powerful. It doesn't matter what your loss is, it is so painful and awful that you can let it ruin you. Sour you.
That's why I didn't respond. I let it go. I know my pain and agony has been so great that all I wanted to do was end it. End me. I almost did. Twice. So here is what I am going to say.
This is not going to be a self-righteous pat on the back. Because I still struggle with things. I am learning how to cope, to manage with things. But I have learned that yes, it is painful and annoying to listen to people gripe about menial things. Those people are probably not encumbered with something great at that moment. But here's the thing. YOU DON'T KNOW THAT. Maybe they're complaining about the cost of grapes because money is tight because their spouse lost their job. Maybe that guy is complaining about losing his hair because he's getting chemotherapy. The truth is, everybody has a story. We all have loss, we all have pain. True, some people are blessed with very little loss or severely horrific things happening to them. However, that does not give people who are hurting free license to lash out and attack these people. This is something I learned. I learned that being bitter towards these people, rolling my eyes at them, and quietly mentally lacerating them does absolutely nothing to help me in my grief process. All is does is alienate people who might otherwise offer help or at least a sympathetic ear. Note I said sympathetic, not empathetic. One is better than nothing.
So to the ladies who attacked me, I say I am sorry for the feelings that are overpowering you. I pray that one day you will be able to rise above them, and help other people who are going through their dark times. But do not let it consume you and lead you into attacking others and making extremely false presumptions. Yes, I could have told you some things that would have left you not only feeling embarrassed for what you said to me, but you would have looked like an ass to the Face Book community. Just remember that you don't know people and what they've been through--only what people choose to share. I encourage everybody to be a little kinder to everyone. This is a tough world, and the only way we'll get through it is together.
You never fail to amaze me. Of course I have people un-friend me for my opinions which have basically been the same all of my life except when forced to see gray. Too bad those ladies probably are members in many of the American Girl groups that get banned for life for being catty. Yes. I think I have been but I don't know for sure since I'm allowed to post whatever on several pages. Nope. Most of us have no clue what your life has been like. Although your therapy years have shocked me wordless. Is that a sentence? Oh well onward & upward. There's always another cat to hear yowl. Remember this is America. You can say whatever you choose.
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