The other day, I was at Mom's for dinner as usual when an accident occurred. Livi wanted chocolate milk, and remembered mid-retrieval of the Hershey's syrup, that Grandma had the far-superior Quik. Smart girl!
Unfortunately, as she quickly replaced the syrup, it bumped the tray in the fridge door, causing the shelf to come down, and a swift yet brutal death to the blueberry syrup. Mom and I took one look at the carnage, and shooed both kids from the crime scene. This called for experience, and while her good intentions in cleaning up were appreciated, I had no desire to then have to clean up a hysterical, bloody child.
Afterwards, it looked pretty good--pretty clean. Mom remarked, "I hope we got it all, but you never know. There can always be a little bit left that we can't see."
I remembered her words as I sat in therapy today. I had thought I had weathered my divorce well. I was feeling comfortable with where I was. But two weeks ago, I had an incident with my ex and his mother that slammed me with a PTSD tidal wave of fear, helplessness, anger, and frustration. I was back in the trenches. I was temporarily blinded by all of my emotions and cried for about 5 seconds before getting a grip on myself. After all, my kids were watching. Livi stared at me as I seemed fine before my ex would return into the room. "How did you do that? You HAVE to teach me how you did that!"
Oh baby girl. I didn't have the heart to tell her that the ability stemmed from years of practice in living with an abusive person. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a very real thing, not just a handy adjective (as is abuse, for that matter. They are very powerful, yet overused words that are quickly losing their meaning). My ex has it, as does his mother. And yet, their personalities aren't that similar on the surface. I just figured she was spoiled (which she was). In talking about the experience, my therapist spoke about how both my ex's and his mother's reactions were very typical of narcissists.
*** Here is a a helpful link about narcissism. Please read so you can spot the signs: https://www.survivedivorce.com/married-to-narcissist ****
Like my mother and I cleaning up the blueberry syrup, I thought I had done well and "cleaned up" my divorce and reconciled my relationship with my abusers as best as I could for the sake of my kids. But I found that while my intentions were good--I unlocked a world of questions and seeming contradictions that my kids as they have grown have had to try and figure out. In the world of abuse, even after you remove yourself from the abuser, the effects are forever. Like when you think you've cleaned everything up, and suddenly you're bleeding and completely taken aback.
It is a constant and violent swing of guessing good intentions and trying to make things work. What might be helpful for one kids, could be detrimental for the other. What might seem okay to me, is confusing and harmful for my kids--all while trying to manage to navigate my children to a decent, healthy relationship with them. Like walking a tight-rope that is barbed wire.
It is a journey. A continuing journey that I have no real map for--only guidelines. I am having to try and relearn and readjust everything I know. I think C. S. Lewis put it best:
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