In honor of the beginning of the holiday season, the radio stations have begun to play a ton of Christmas music. Some good, the majority cheesy or annoying. One day to amuse my sister, I began to make up new words to the Christmas Song, after she supplied the opening line. According to legend, her ex had a friend named Chet, so they'd sing, "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire." I couldn't let it go at that, so I added some. Keep in mind I was about 14.
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire,
while he lies writhing in pain.
His tiny tot, is all a glow,
and he'll find it hard to sleep tonight."
Nice. Good to see my education was being put to good use. But the mother of all hideous Christmas songs has got to be "Christmas Shoes." Anybody been subjected to that one? It's so evil I refuse to post a link to it. The gist of the song is, a boy goes to buy his mom a pair of shoes (she's dying, of course), and he doesn't have enough money. So everybody tearfully pitches in so the kid can get the shoes. It is the most nauseating sack o'crap I've ever heard. When I lived in Minnesota, the people up there adored this dumb song, because I heard it ALL THE TIME. Or, I suppose it was a way to make the people of that state pay penance for some horrible, unknown crime. Minnesotans must have been beyond evil, because there is not just one version of this saccharine drivel, but TWO. One sung by the "Butterfly Kisses" dude, and the other by some chick. Pick your poison. Thankfully, I rarely hear it here, probably because some red-neck would probably open fire at the radio station for playing it and blow away their equipment. God bless them, too.
But the ultimate evil, probably brought to us by the spirits of the damned who invented Urkel and plus-sized spandex, is: "We Need a Little Christmas." Now, thankfully, God has given me one talent. I can generally identify a ton of songs within the first seconds. Within about a half second, my brain has identified this gem, and starts with the Fight or Flight instinct. I lunge towards the radio buttons with amazing speed and agility--usually reserved for Olympian athletes and mothers of toddlers in china shops. Thankfully, my ability to identify this song quickly and change it has saved me from the severe internal bleeding that this song invokes. Why? Why should we dishonor the Lord on the holiday set aside for his birth by playing such hideous songs? I would not be surprised if the Lord did not have a reckoning over this.
"Not only did you not feed or clothe me, but you played 'We Need a Little Christmas,' on outdoor speakers, with seizure-inducing flashing lights, resulting tumors and severe hemorrhaging to all who were forced to endure it."
Good luck to you all this holiday season.
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire,
while he lies writhing in pain.
His tiny tot, is all a glow,
and he'll find it hard to sleep tonight."
Nice. Good to see my education was being put to good use. But the mother of all hideous Christmas songs has got to be "Christmas Shoes." Anybody been subjected to that one? It's so evil I refuse to post a link to it. The gist of the song is, a boy goes to buy his mom a pair of shoes (she's dying, of course), and he doesn't have enough money. So everybody tearfully pitches in so the kid can get the shoes. It is the most nauseating sack o'crap I've ever heard. When I lived in Minnesota, the people up there adored this dumb song, because I heard it ALL THE TIME. Or, I suppose it was a way to make the people of that state pay penance for some horrible, unknown crime. Minnesotans must have been beyond evil, because there is not just one version of this saccharine drivel, but TWO. One sung by the "Butterfly Kisses" dude, and the other by some chick. Pick your poison. Thankfully, I rarely hear it here, probably because some red-neck would probably open fire at the radio station for playing it and blow away their equipment. God bless them, too.
But the ultimate evil, probably brought to us by the spirits of the damned who invented Urkel and plus-sized spandex, is: "We Need a Little Christmas." Now, thankfully, God has given me one talent. I can generally identify a ton of songs within the first seconds. Within about a half second, my brain has identified this gem, and starts with the Fight or Flight instinct. I lunge towards the radio buttons with amazing speed and agility--usually reserved for Olympian athletes and mothers of toddlers in china shops. Thankfully, my ability to identify this song quickly and change it has saved me from the severe internal bleeding that this song invokes. Why? Why should we dishonor the Lord on the holiday set aside for his birth by playing such hideous songs? I would not be surprised if the Lord did not have a reckoning over this.
"Not only did you not feed or clothe me, but you played 'We Need a Little Christmas,' on outdoor speakers, with seizure-inducing flashing lights, resulting tumors and severe hemorrhaging to all who were forced to endure it."
Good luck to you all this holiday season.
Not a big fan of Urkel. Have no issues with spandex.
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